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We Are Born With the Instinct to be Independent
douglas hauptman • May 20, 2023
Independence is a sacred gift from God that must be cherished.
You would have to be raised in a completely controlled and restricted environment in order to not be independent. But even then, you could only be docile to a certain point. Some part of us, at the bottom of our souls, we would still crave independence despite never tasting it before. We do not have to learn independence, we just need to be able to experience it.
A Gift From God
The notion of independence is not a lesson but rather something that we can be in awe of in relation to the human spirit. God gifted us this ability. Hemmingway helped me understand this concept as well as the ancient Greeks. Found in his book "East of Eden" is the word “timshel” which literally translates in ancient Greek from Arabic, to mean that God gave man the gift to have a free will and the ability to decide between good and evil. God gave us the gift of independent thinking and being. He gave us the gift of thought and choice.
Since the beginning of time, before any writing was on shell or rock, timshel validates that freedom is a gift from God. This is impossible to contradict. People can be ignorant of the history and religion relating to who we are and how we develop, but the reality is that independence is born into us from the start.
Let Children Be
Rather than call this learning, I think of it as more of a safe guarding of their sacred right deep within their being. This is the sacred right the God gave them and this notion is something we can help them understand through modeling and explaining biblical steps. Children need to understand that God is the source of all good things. We can also teach them to recognize the feeling of independence and encourage them to want it while also taking caution to boundaries and so forth. So the question is not how to teach children independence but rather how to we help children feel independence and provide support such as self-sacrifice, responsibilities, etc.
Limit Judgment
While on this topic, I want to bring attention to how important it is that we do not pass judgment on our children for the choices they make. A motto that I have used with children is that bad thoughts don’t exist, only bad actions. If we are overly critical of someone, we can inadvertently harm their natural tendency to experience their own independence which can lead to significant harm. When you are continuously negative to someone, their natural reaction is to curl up, get nervous with self-doubt, and not say anything at all. As parents, we do not want to ever make our children feel doomed to judgment.
A Generation of Dependents
If you raise a child to be solely dependent, then you are committing a sin because your job is to make them independent so they can care for themselves. Today, kids are so dependent on their parents that they eventually find themselves having a hard time do to break free and enjoy their own independence. Parents are the enabler in this scenario. Massive scores within my generation, and the one following it, were raised in the post-civil rights and hippy era. For many adults, the only purpose in life became to be a good mom. This lead to soccer and PTA moms and a generation where all kids received a trophy.
We need to be outside more and exposed to all sorts of microorganisms, bacteria, viruses, and fresh air. The sheltering over children has really become quite ridiculous. Personally, I always wanted to teach my kids to be self-sufficient enough to be able to survive in the middle of the forest alone. If a nuclear holocaust happened, a lot of parents would be panicking over how independent their children really are. Obviously this is a dramatized scenario but my point is that we will not always be around for our children to fall back on. My daughter is a complete badass that cannot be messed with. She is strong minded and sometimes I am confronted with my own self when I come up against her. However, this makes me incredibly proud that she is her own person and I feel peace knowing that she values her independence.
If we do choose to shelter our children, then they will fail to learn beneficial responsibility and independence. This can lead to drug addictions, excessive reliance on video games, and other things that zombie down their creativity and passion. When kids and young adults use these unhealthy outlets, deep down they are crying to be free.
Why Family is Vital
Of course, there is one exception when it comes to depending on one another. Children need to be able to count on their relationship with God, themselves, and their families. They should never think that they can count on anything outside of that. Church, government, and sometimes even spouses, are things we cannot always count on but we can seek support from. Family needs to be a significant part of the ethos of training and teaching independence. All the children in my life know that they can always come to me and I will always instill this support to them.
Thinking Like a Leader
One saying I enjoy using is:
“Do you want to be a small fish in a big fish tank, or a big fish in a small pond?”
On a broader scale, you can see tremendous negativity that comes when you limit a group of people’s freedom and independence. Eventually, communism can take root in such an environment. Communism is codependency in its purest form. In order for this system to survive, it has to eliminate free thinking and all independent thought. Think “beehive mentality” and you’ll get the picture.
Why a Life Coach Cannot Make You Independent
Like I mentioned above, independence cannot be taught because it’s more of a spiritual journey within someone. Many life coaches have canned techniques and plans and processes and programs to help people but being independent is something someone must choose to do for themselves. If you were raised sheltered and reliant on others then it will be more difficult to break free from that dependent thinking as an adult. If this struggle is severe, then I highly suggest speaking to a therapist.
I also suggest reading for more understanding and knowledge. One book I really enjoyed is, “The Road Less Traveled”. This book is a timeless and wonderful piece that teaches a person about all of the things that are important for living a happy and healthy independent life.
Coach Doug's Blog
Turn Our Greif into Action Never forget 9/11. Never let the children forget. Whatever you think, if it was the enemy from within or the evil from outside, thousands died. But even as we remember the victims and honor the heroes of that terrible day, we should always remain constant with love and love defends those who need protection. Follow Your Heart Today, the world needs the protection that only comes from love. Love your neighbor as yourself. Love your enemy and pray for him that he might turn from his evil ways but in all things fight. Fight for what you know in your heart is right. Fight for freedom. Fight to protect the children from the sickness and confusion that will cause their harm. Know What Your Are Fighting For Fight for your right to live free and protect your family. At the end of your life, don't have this regret, that you did nothing to stop the evils of Communism & Marxism, that's all there is to it. For the Love of God, Family & Country! Fight! Fight! Fight!
We Are God’s Children Children are born innocent and unconditionally lovable. No matter what choices or actions a child displays, we are to love them without harsh judgement. As we turn into adults, we become accountable for our actions and our behavior directly effects how others perceive us. This leads to contrast throughout mankind and we begin to develop friends versus enemies. However, deeming people unlovable and deciphering to have enemies has absolutely no benefit to your life. The best way to remember that hate has no place in our hearts, is to turn to God. All adults are forever God’s children. God has unconditional love for all and studying his word can greatly encourage forgiveness and acceptance of others into your daily life. Let’s reflect. “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.” – Romans 5:8 Although we sinned, Christ still died for us. This action alone should help us understand that enemies do not exist outside our own perception and judgement. All are worthy of love and all are lovable. Loving those who are difficult to love, is extending our love received from Christ. It Feels Good to Love Take a moment and reflect on a scenario when you said something terrible or acted in a way that you later regretted. Now think about how those around you offered forgiveness and how that forgiveness felt. It’s likely that you felt relieved and changed how you handled similar situations in the future. Forgiveness is a form of love. Forgiving someone can feel equally liberating as being forgiven. When you hold a grudge, it doesn’t feel good and invites anxiety and anger into your life. While you may think that this grudge is teaching the person at hand a lesson, it is not. In fact, it's quite the opposite. Holding anger for someone is giving them control over your feelings and, in some scenarios, your life. When you release the hate, you can begin to think and act with your heart instead of your ego. The picture may become clearer as you start to perceive situations with compassion and forgiveness becomes effortless. “ You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ 39 But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. 40 And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. 41 If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. 42 Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.” – Matthew 5:38-4 2 By forgiving and welcoming in only words and actions of love, you gain back that control. If someone treats us badly, we are allowed to feel hurt, but it is never a reason to hurt them back. The cliché saying , “two wrongs don’t make a right” holds true in this case. When we love others unconditionally, we become proof of God’s word, as we become the vessel for the extension of this love. Love From a Distance “But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you.” – Luke 6:27-28 Loving others does not always mean we need to be physically present in that person’s life. Even at a distance, we can still project love! Praying is a great way to love others who we may not be ready to physically be around. Many people act in harmful ways because they are hurt deep inside. Anger is a secondary emotion to sadness. Someone who treats others badly was likely treated badly themselves, hence where they learned such behavior. Pray for their healing, happiness, and forgiveness. We can also practice speaking positively about those we dislike. Gossip is the language of the ego, and doing so brings nothing but negativity into our lives. Gossip is passing judgment without allowing the other person to defend themselves. It only feeds our ego into believing our reaction to the situation was justified. This does not solve anything and can make us look untrustworthy to those we are gossiping to. We should speak kindly of our enemies and stay present. All Are Lovable In conclusion, all living creatures are lovable and a creation of God. The ability to love is the primary evidence of Christ living through us. We are all prone to making mistakes and likewise, we can all make changes. This is what growth looks like and we must be loved in order to have an inspiration and desire for such growth. Next time you are feeling like a person in your life is unlovable, turn to God. Pray for them as he does for us and wish abundance and happiness for all. By doing this, we can feel less angry and use our energy into creating good.
